Week Six - The High Cost of Conflict

“Sometimes, God doesn’t send you into a battle to win it; he sends you to end it.”
― Shannon L. Alder

This week was fantastic; I truly never appreciated the level of intricate detail that conflict resolution takes. While researching a recent conflict with a coworker, I found that new thinking as described by Levine is incredibly relevant to both my personal and professional life.

For example, my husband had a recent conflict surrounding Christmas presents. Over the most recent months he has insisted in purchasing items I had on a list as gifts. Without regard to my multiple requests to not buy these items, he did so anyways, subsequently leaving me at a complete loss for items to have under the tree for Christmas day.

If I had known about any of the ten principles of new thinking, such as believing in abundance and being creative, this seemingly simple disagreement could have been a much less hurtful exchange of words during the holiday season. For example, if I had been given the chance to tell my story, I would have expressed that having items to open Christmas day was incredibly important to me since the holiday we spent after losing his job several years ago. We couldn’t afford to buy a tree, much less put anything under one, and it was one of the saddest holiday times I can ever remember in my life!

Because my husband is a practical and simple man, the items such as a new softball bat, an Apple gift card to make in app purchases for his beloved games, as well as the latest release of the Star Wars trilogy DVD set, was all I had to offer for him to open Christmas day. Although after arguing, and definitely not listening the first several times we agreed to disagree on the topic, had I been exposed to any of the ten principles, we could have possibly found a more creative way to celebrate and exchange presents. For example, I could have taken all of the pre-purchased gifts and wrapped them in some enormous box for an element of surprise, only for him to find it was all of the items he already purchased. Additionally, we could have formulated a plan for going forward that neither one of us is allowed to make any new purchases at least six weeks prior to the holidays.

Additionally, in the spirit of fostering sustainable collaboration, being more open with one another, as well as relying on feelings and intuition, I think had I known more about the principles, I could have thought beyond the initial anger and emotions and perhaps spent more effort into finding new ways to surprise him Christmas morning. For example, instead of materialistic gifts, I could have made a coupon book where he could get a cooked to order breakfast, or made his favorite lemon cake for dessert for dinner, as well as reframed my attitude and actions during the arguments. Instead of fostering collaboration towards an agreement going forward, I just wanted to keep showing him how angry I was instead of talking about why him buying stuff on his own upset me so much.

Part of the beauty of the principles are that they help us move away from old thinking, such as not disclosing information and fearing that conflict always has to be viewed as a negative within a relationship. Now, after reviewing the principles, I think that there is always some small way in which we can uncover material emotions that underlie the true reason or spark of any conflict. Part of the learning we must do throughout the resolution process includes that we have to do more listening in order to learn what is important and truly valued between one another (Levine, 2009, p. 119) . We need to commit towards an attitude of resolution and stop thinking that it is a one-stop you win and I lose type of situation.

As I mentioned in my research paper this week, new thinking, along with the understanding Levine’s philosophy can help transform our current frames towards becoming more flexible and adaptable when working with others during times of conflict and striving for resolution and future collaboration would have certainly changed the outcome, the emotional toll, and the damage to the relationships we all sustained throughout the entire process. In the case with my husband, the most valuable lesson learned in hindsight is that although I think I tell him everything, I fail to tell him the root cause of what is driving my emotions. Full disclosure is always necessary in conflict resolution, and going forward I can certainly see how this would have probably helped my case, instead of escalating the conflict between us. The most painful thing you can never forget are the words that were once said in haste and anger, not love and resolution.

Until we blog again!

Reference

Levine, S. (2009). Getting to Resolution, Turning Conflict Into Collaboration. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.